i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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