I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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