Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
