If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
