Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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