i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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