Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
