If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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