tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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