Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The ass gains better be worth it
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