I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
