It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
