a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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