I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
