Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
