I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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