I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
