I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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