I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
This is my gift to your gina
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
