My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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