this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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