It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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