You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
