o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
