Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
