I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
