I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
