the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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