this beer tastes like vomit already
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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