Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
