That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
