Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
