Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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