My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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