The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
