She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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