I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
