I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
