Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
