Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
