I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
