kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
