I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
