I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
