Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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