you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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