I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
