u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
