Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
