woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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