I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
